Better late than never

I've been having some... difficulties lately which are the result of about a 5 month 

hiatus from this place. 

Don't worry, updates are to come. Maybe tonight. Maybe this weekend.

But soon. 

Be patient and you will soon learn all there is to know about my latest obsessions. 

xoxo- Whitters

I kEEp drEAMinG yOU'Ll Be wITh me & yOU'LL nEVEr go...

this picture was on the blog of one of my friends today,

actually, she always has things off her blog that i steal so Dee,

thanks for letting me fulfill my lifetime dream of 

being a blog post stealer! 

anyway, i took one look at this picture and the first thing i noticed, obviously was the dark clouds and the long, empty road. all i wanted to do was write, "my life" across the top and hang it on my wall.

yes, right now i feel like this road is long, dark, cloudy and currently empty.

ok, thats not totally true. 

i do have the occasional car that will drive side by side with me,

frequently, but temporarily.

they always seem to disappear and i'm on this road alone, again.

even if they reappear that night or the next day...

it's the alone part that scares me.

i've never been good at being alone.

not that i've been in a lot of relationships in my life, but i have always 

desired someone there. 

whether it be family, a best friend or even a romantic interest.

at times when i am at my lowest point, i'm afraid to be alone, 

not because i'm worried about what i will do if i'm alone, but because it just 

hurts and scares me into thinking that i will continue to be alone on this road, forever.

this occasional car that drives next to me...

it fills me with hope.

it makes me feel so complete and unlike anything i have ever felt before,

but then it is ripped away again.

and it's painful.

but i'm willing to take the pain for it.

because after taking a second look at the picture,

i see the light.

the light that i want to see on my own road.

i can see that other car right next to me on this road when i glance at the light. 

letting me know i'm not alone,

and never will be again. 

forever.

i know none of you have any idea what i'm talking about 

or what this metaphor stands for and that is just fine with me.

a lot of things are best kept inside of me. 

i want to keep that hope. 

i want to keep the image of that light and the car in my future, 

down my road so i'm not alone.

i will wait for it.

And the omni goes to...

i may or may not be embarrassed to post this,

but i kind of had to because it's hilarious!

so the story goes, 

somehow, our FHE leaders AND the activities committee got together

and decided we would do a little 

"oscars" themed month of February.

so each of our FHE groups were assigned a movie genre,

we spent, actually, surprisingly a lot of time and effort making these movies

and then we were rewarded at the end with 

"the omni's"

(otherwise, "the oscars" but with the name of our apartment complex instead!)

here is the movie that won "Best Action Film"

(yes, this IS the movie i was in. i know, i know. you don't need to tell me how good of an actress i am)

yes, i know, we pretty much rock! 

anyway...

happy tuesday!!

xoxo

yes, i steal topics off other people's blog posts because i'm cool like that...

it's been a little while since i've blogged a REAL post,

which normally isn't like me.

this past month has been... challenging to say the least. 

so in the midst of all of this confusion and almost 

despair that has been going on inside me,

i came across a simple statement on my friends blog....

"I wish you courage during this time." 

such a simple statement, but to me, it opened my eyes.

COURAGE  is something has never crossed my mind as an attribute that i lack.

but i guess it falls in the same category as FAITH.

faith is something that i am ashamed to say i have struggled with continually. not that i don’t have faith that Heavenly Father is there, or that he blesses us. but i struggle with having enough faith to know it’s all going to be ok in the end. that life is going to work out.

and I guess that means i don’t have the courage that i need to sometimes endure to the end.

speaking of enduring to the end, that was the topic in our sacrament meeting on Sunday.

getting through lifes trials and enduring to the end. i think i may have been the only one in the congregation with tears in my eyes almost the entire time.

something that one of the speakers said caught me off guard and has been something that has been continually on my mind for the last 24 hours

“I know that the reason we are here on this earth is to be happy…”

thinking about it, i almost feel ashamed that at times i am very very not happy, if that is the whole reason we are here.

i mean, i guess it IS called

“The Plan Of Happiness”

in Elder Quentin L. Cook’s October 2008 general conference talk titled

“ Hope ya know, we had a hard time”

he brings up the book “A Tale Of Two Cities”.

now, if anyone of you know anything about me, it’s that i can be kind of an English nerd!

“A Tale Of Two Cities” is one of my favorite pieces of literature.

he quotes the line

“it was the best of times, it was the worst of times”

now, while quoting this, he is referring to the battle between good and evil that every generation has to face.

but i apply it to the point i am at in my life right now.

it actually IS the best of times, and the worst of times.

along with the statement that we are here on earth to be happy, the speakers on Sunday also talked about how to be happy during our trials. like, while they’re actually happening.

is that really possible?

i mean, actually being happy while we are struggling?

a very good example to me of this is my best friend Sky.

this actually made me think of her.

she is one of those people that can just.. be happy.

no matter her circumstances she has this bubbly, bright attitude.

she laughs constantly and she finds the best in all situations.

so i was talking to her on the phone last night and somehow we got into that topic of conversation and she proceeded to tell me that the reason she is so happy, so carefree…

is because she has the faith and knowledge that it’s going to work out.

every situation is going to work out for the best.

she is focused on the positive outcome while i’m focused on all of the little disappointments on the way.

i really want to fix this.

i really want to become more like her in that sense.

so back to why i feel i may be struggling, besides the fact that there are so many things that i keep inside, i feel i’m going to explode…

well as i was driving to my hometown of Fairview yesterday, i felt the sunshine on my face and i felt alive. i felt wonderful.

then it hit me,

these are my hard months. they have always been my hard months. February – April are months that i truly have to endure.

but if i can make it out on the other side,

i know i’ll be ok.

i have to believe that.

i have to have faith in that.

and i have to have the courage to be able to MAKE IT to the other side.

"I wish you courage during this time." 

Someday, when I'm older...

I don't quite know why the lyrics of this song are the only words I feel like saying right now. 
Hopefully a real update is coming your way soon.... 




"Some Day"

Someday, when I'm older
And they never know my name
Somehow, if I'm honest
I can never feel ashamed
Maybe I was wrong to
Hold you up so high
Now I know I've lost you
To the feelings I kept inside

I don't know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We're not on the same page, you don't even know me
Cause you never took the time

Someday, when it's over
And you never show your face
I hope you'll remember
How I tried to make you a place
And so now, I move on
To keep my piece of mind
In someway, I've failed you
But I just ran out of time

I don't know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We're not on the same page, you don't even know me
Cause you never took the time

I'm not sure that you hear me
I'm not sure that you look at me the same
I will always be attached to you
But I'm never gonna feel the same

I don't know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We're not on the same page, you don't even know me
Cause you never took the time
No, you never took the time

Someday, when I'm older... 

sO tHIs iS tHe wAy tHAt i sAy i nEEd YoU...

so.. this might not be the most appropriate thing....

... but it sure made my day!....

this is what i need to learn to do!

i really don't want to go deep today.. because thats all i've been doing lately is 

"going deep" and sometimes it just gets depressing! 

(maybe i should re-read my last post, eh?)

-i need sleep

-i need diet pepsi/ dr. pepper... all the time

-i need to remember to not be too busy to eat THREE meals a day, instead of just one

-i LOVE my roommates

-i LOVE my new friends

-i LOVE finding all sorts of new music lately

-i LOVE being introduced to all sorts of new eating places lately

-i LOVE that THESE boys are making it to the SUPERBOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*LifE iS pREtTy gREat*

*Learning To Breathe - Switchfoot*

(fabulous song, btw! )

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm

[Chorus:]
Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

[Chorus]

So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way

[Chorus]

Hello good morning how you do? 

"Come what may and love it"

"he ain't feelin anything, 

my love, my hurt or the sting of this rain...

i'm drivin through a hurricane.."

i once asked this question:

why are unavailable men so attractive to me?

unavailable meaning: in a relationship with someone else, having a history of a relationship with someone close to me, someone way out of my league...

anyway, the response i got was this:

grass is always greener... thats why...

well, guess what?

the greener grass SUCKS to look at!

actually it's really fun to LOOK at.. but knowing it's out of reach is what sucks!

it's like having an i pod sitting in front of you, filled with AMAZING music..

and NOT being able to listen to it. 

that situation would KILL me!

as are the one's i find myself in lately.

"It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it"

too bad i wont get a chance to change these situations..

i guess thats being an adult, right?

"We say goodbye in the pourin rain, and i break down as you walk away...

stay, stay

cause all my life i've felt this way, but i could never find the words to say...

stay, stay"

anyway, on another note... 

i was introduced to a talk that i'm sure i've heard, but haven't really taken into

understanding yet

"Come what may and love it" -Joseph B Worthlin

by the way, this is a talk that i probably could've used in my life like 6 months ago! :)

he talks about how when he was younger, and he or his siblings would fall down, their mother would expect them to pick themselves up and get going again. her advice to them:

"Come what may, and love it"

"I think she may have meant that every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don’t sing and bells don’t ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result."

how true is this? 

with everything i went through last year, the pain and heartache i felt, i learned mountains of knowledge about life AND myself.

in fact, just today we had a client in our office that comes in every two weeks and he asked me about how my new place is. i wasn't here two weeks ago when he came in because i was moving.

so i explained how i like it and it's been really good for me and he said

"Well, you seem and look a lot happier so something must be working"

that simple statement made my day!

i know without a doubt, i would not be where i am today, physically, spiritually or mentally if i hadn't of hit rock bottom last year. 

i wouldn't be able to adapt to my roommates and our group of friends so easily,

i wouldn't have the desire to go to institute or get really active in my ward,

i wouldn't feel the constant gratitude i feel for my wonderful friends and family who have stuck by me through everything... 

this doesn't mean i don't have bad days. 

it also doesn't mean that they aren't all the more real now that i am on my own again...

"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life."

so yeah.. i still bask in the bad days.

i say the word "bask" because i tend to find the joy in bad days by:

-crying (which actually is a release)

-watching my favorite tv show or movie to distract me

-drinking caffeine 

-getting takeout from anywhere i choose

-shopping (this one has become a problem.. that i'm going to have to quit!)

but as long an not EVERYday is a bad day, i'd like to think we're doing ok.

in his talk, Elder Worthlin suggests 4 things that he's learned has gotten him through some tests and trials

1- Learn to laugh

"I remember loading up our children in a station wagon and driving to Los Angeles. There were at least nine of us in the car, and we would invariably get lost. Instead of getting angry, we laughed. Every time we made a wrong turn, we laughed harder."

2- Seek for the Eternal

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” ¹

"With that eternal perspective, Joseph took comfort from these words, and so can we. Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome."

3-The principal of compensation

"The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

4-Trust in the Father and the Son

“God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son.” ² The Lord Jesus Christ is our partner, helper, and advocate. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be successful. If we do our part, He will step in."

i hope this gives someone else as much comfort as it gave me! 

xoxo

"We say goodbye in the pourin rain, and I break down as you walk away... "

so...

in an effort to maybe cancel out my kind of "angsty"

post yesterday... 

i decided to post some music thats been stuck in my head lately...

hopefully you'll enjoy it just as much as i do!! :)

this one's for you Sky Baby!!

this is a band called "The Latency"

they are a pop/rock band from Canada that had their first debut in 

2009. 

this song is fabulous!

this is "Joel & Luke" 

they are brothers from Austrailia 

this song "Love's to Blame" is heartbreakingly beautiful!

it makes me want to cry, just listening to it, but it's so fantastic that i can't stop!

you should also check out their song 

"People Change"

this is my FAVORITE song of all that i've been obsessed with lately!

i've posted a song by them in an earlier post but it's the band

"Hurts"

i think i recently became their number one fan! 

they are a synthpop duo from England and they are FANTASTIC! 

their first full album came out in september of 2010

and  yes, i've already ordered their album

of course, i had to have it imported because they haven't released one in

the U.S yet but it wasn't as expensive as i thought it would be!

(Again, why are all the foreign bands so dang awesome?!)

anyway, this song is...

there are no words to describe it right now.

it pretty much describes some situation in my life right now and i'm in 

L O V E LOVE with it! :) 

oh and these guys are a bit.. eccentric with their videos so 

it's kinda weird but the greatness in song makes up for the lack thereof in the video :)

happy thursday :) 

xoxo

*UgH*

UGH!

and yes, i use capital letters on that. 

thats how i feel that today will go. 

i've had a really emotional past couple of days.

it's been a roller coaster ride filled with ups, downs, and straightaways.

i finally got moved into my apartment, a great apartment at that, filled with great people 

and a great spirit. something i haven't had in an apartment for a while.

monday was hard. granted, i'm 22 and leaving home shouldn't 

have been as hard as it was.

but it was hard leaving the people who saved my life. literally.

the people who i have been around constantly for the last five months.

the people who are the only one's who will actually be there for me, no matter what.

for eternity.

so yes, tears pricked my eyes as i drove out of town. 

i didn't know where i was going or what to expect. 

it's a new beginning,

thats what i have to keep telling myself. 

this is an opportunity a lot of people would kill for.

but as i find myself on my own again, i find my thoughts to be.. 

different than what i would've expected.

the people i find myself wanting to find comfort in, as i am 

away from my comfort zone (home)..

are...

unable to reach right now.

so this is a time to learn how to be alone,

learn how to be ok alone and 

find comfort in myself and my Savior...

this is only a test though.. and i know that. 

whenever the time comes, i'm going to learn from this.

i'm going to make strides in becoming the best person i can be 

because the time is NOW for it to happen. 

sorry for the jumbled thoughts. 

i told ya it was going to be one of those days....