Songs to Love and Die by....

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my love for music. It is such a big part of my life. Something that has always been there so I haven't really realized how big it is.
I heard this quote by Victor Hugo that said:

"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent."
How true is that? This is what music does for me. It expresses that which cannot be said or that which I can't find the words to say.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I'll say it again just to remind you. I believe there are two kinds of people in the world: Lyric people and Music people.
You know, Lyric people tend to be "analytical". All about the meaning of the song. They're the ones you see with the CD insert out like five minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics and interpreting the heck out of everything. Then there's the music people. They could care less about the lyrics as long as it's got a good beat and you could dance to it.
I said once before that it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl, but I wouldn't be who I am without being a lyric girl! My deep thoughts, and my writing and expressing myself through music... I don't know who I would be if I just let that all go. Would I still be me? Would I be a better me? I don't know.
You know what I've had on my brain lately? Disco. Yeah, betcha didn't see that comin! I know what you're all thinking, Disco isn't cool, right? Well here's the thing, disco wasn't designed to be cool! It was designed to be liberating! I looked it up! I mean, what better example of being liberated than a cop, a cowboy, a Native American, a biker and a construction worker... just chillin together! Disco is about giving in to the music and rejoicing in the face of whatever pains you are experiencing at the time! Think about the people who embraced Disco. Some of them had it really tough and they were still happy. At least in the music and on the dancefloor, they can let it all go.
Why can't we be more like that? Maybe I'll try it out. Next time you have a tough day, find a great song... whether it's Disco, Hip-Hop, Punk or whatever. Turn the volume on high and just dance. If you have to, keep dancing until you lose yourself... Or maybe find yourself again?

I keep finding these great songs lately... maybe not finding them because they are already a part of my music collection but discovering them. They all have meaning behind them.
Like the song "Call Me" by Shinedown... About a guy who has to make a choice. He loves this woman but he knows he is not good for her and they could never work. He knows she could be happier with someone else so he sacrifices his love and leaves...
Or the song "Raining Again" by Staind is about a girl who is already so bruised and broken that she looks at everything in a negative way. And any little bad thing that happens cuts her deeper and she just can't seem to pull out of the dark hole that she is in. But the lyrics say things like "A piece of glass, in the sand, under your feet, it cuts you deep" and "A wilted rose, your decay you see, you buy the flaws and miss the beauty"... if you are a music person who is just reading these lyrics, you would probably think that a girl cut her foot on some glass and then bought a dead rose.
Of course for all the lyric people out there, the meaning behind a song can be completely different than someone else's meaning.
Well my whole point of this post was to show that music is a huge part of my life and with the novel I've written here, I'm pretty sure I proved my point!

Again I say, can life get any better these days?? :)

Home....

I MISS them...

And them...

And her....

And them....

And them....

And them.....

Yeah I need to make a trip to Sanpete County... real SOON!

Home- Daughtry

I'm staring out into the night,

Trying to hide the pain.

I'm going to the place where love

And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.

And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,

Back to the place where I belong,

And where your love has always been enough for me.

I'm not running from.

No, I think you got me all wrong.

I don't regret this life I chose for me.

But these places and these faces are getting old,

So I'm going home.

Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,

The closer I get to you.

I've not always been the best man or friend for you.

But your love remains true.

And I don't know why.

You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,

Back to the place where I belong,

And where your love has always been enough for me.

I'm not running from.

No, I think you got me all wrong.

I don't regret this life I chose for me.

But these places and these faces are getting old,

Be careful what you wish for,

'Cause you just might get it all.

You just might get it all,

And then some you don't want.

Be careful what you wish for,

'Cause you just might get it all.

You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,

Back to the place where I belong,

And where your love has always been enough for me.

I'm not running from.

No, I think you got me all wrong.

I don't regret this life I chose for me.

But these places and these faces are getting old.

I said these places and these faces are getting old,

So I'm going home.

I'm going home.

Apologies

Thanks for the tag Aubs... You know how boring it gets here at work when you are gone and the Spider Lady is being... well just being herself!



So... it's a picture tag. Here's whatcha do. You take the first picture folder and post the first picture in that folder, then take the fourth picture folder and post the fourth picture in that folder, and then take the sixth picture folder and post the sixth picture in that folder. Explain each of the pictures and then tag more people!!!







So this one is me and my girl Cambree, visiting her mom in the hospital! I had been teaching her some moves for the camera! She's going to be just like me! (Sorry Em...!)

This is my cousin Jeff, teaching me how to fillet the fish I caught at Fish Lake. We go down every summer and it's what I live for!

I was real sad becuase I had named the fish Bert and everything and then we had to go and cut him up and watch his bones grind in the disposal :( This picture also makes me cry real tears for the long hair that I had....

Ahh... me and Sky! This was my 18th birthday, the summer after high school. We were at Applebee's. We got a HUGE hotel room up here with a HUGE tub and we all got into our swimming suits and got our energy drinks and pilled in! Look how tan I was! What would it be like to have a whole summer and do nothing but be out in the sun! I hate being an adult!

But seriously, could life be any better these days?? :)



Apologies- Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

Yesterday he said my eyes

were fading fast away

I said well what do you expect?

You asked me not to stay.

And if it had all been for the best,

I wouldn't feel this way

And he said...

Oh he said, it's crazy

How love stays with me

You know it hurts me

Cause I don't wanna fight this war

It's amazing to see me reading through this scene

of love and fear... and apologies

My love is like a blanket

That gets a little bit too warm sometimes

I wanna wrap somebody in it

Who can hold me in his arms

Cause when it got a little too hot in there,

he was always stepping out for air and he froze

Oh he froze

He said, it's crazy

How love stays with me

You know it hurts me

Cause I don't wanna fight this war

It's amazing to see me reading through this scene

of love and fear.... and apologies

Yesterday he looked at me

With a tear in his eye

Said I'll always tell you, you're my friend

I hope I wont have to lie

Cause it's clear you love another man

I said, you're damn right

And he said it's crazy

Your love stays with me

You know it hurts me

Cause I don't wanna fight this war

It's amazing to see me reading through this scene

of love and fear... and apologies

He said it's crazy

How love stays with me

You know it hurts me

That I didn't figure it out before

And now it's too late for a soliloquy

Way too late for dignity

It's time for apologies....

I TAG anyone who is as bored at work as I am and wants to do this!!!

These Days....

Some of you may have realized that I HAD a post on here that was posted Saturday but within less than a 24 hour period, the feelings that I had while writing that post COMPLETELY changed. It's weird how that can happen, isn't it? You could feel totally different about something at this moment than you did last week, last month or even just yesterday.

It's ironic really. After my post titled "White Horse" that this would happen. That I would once again put a little bit of trust in someone and I was proved wrong. Maybe not PROVED wrong... wait, no I WAS proved wrong. It seriously baffles me that people think they can treat other people that way. Playing with people's emotions is like playing with fire. In the end, you are always going to get burned... but not before hurting a lot of other people and burning a lot of bridges in the process.

Yeah, this bridge that I had is officially burned. This person CANNOT do what they did and expect me to even want to stay friends with them. I don't let people like that into my life anymore and don't think I'm going to start just because they're going to call a bluff. I can guarantee that if you ask this person about this it will come in the following steps:

1. Defensiveness

2. Denial

3. Excuses

That's how it goes. Trust me, I've been through this enough times to know the process. Well, not this situation in particular but situations similar.

This situation was created with:

-Lying (Nothing New)

-Sweet talking (Yep, heard that one before) 

*Yawn*

-Hitting on my best friend (Wait... that's NEW)

-Learning about a relationship this person is in that seems to be serious from a very RELIABLE source (Yeah, that's NEW too)

Hmmm... here lies a few broken pieces of my already broken heart, bleeding and naked for the whole wide world to see.

I guess this is the first test of one of my New Year's Resolutions: To finally let go and not fear trusting people or giving my heart away.

So lets talk about Fear. What is fear? Wikipedia defines Fear as an emotional response to tangible and realistic dangers. Well taking that into consideration, does that mean that putting my heart out there is a "danger"? Because if it is, that's what I'm afraid of.

You see, I put my heart out there once. It was wonderful, new, thrilling and enticing. For 9 long months it seemed like I was on this ride that was going faster than I would've liked it to. Towards the end it became this roller coaster. Now I LOVE roller coasters, but the highs were way too high and the lows seemed to dip below the surface of the earth. Not my kind of roller coaster.

This was the first time I had truly let my heart go. I had given EVERYTHING I had to someone and trusted them with everything in me, only to have it thrown back in my face. Now, after all is said and done, and I've finally realized that I can laugh about this experience in my life, I'm still scared. I'm not sure I can trust someone with my heart.

Albert Camus once wrote "Blessed are the hearts that can bend; They shall never be broken."

But I wonder, if there's no breaking, then there's no healing. And if there's no healing, there's no learning. Then there's no struggle. But struggle and breaking, healing and learning.. they're all a part of life so must all hearts be broken?

I guess in all of this sounding like a broken record... I will list the positive things I can take from this:

1. Trust not only others and your gut feeling, but trust that the Lord will provide a way for you to know which path you must take.

2. Be cautious in your trusting

3. Listen to your family... My family members opinions about this situation were right all along. And they CARE enough to let me know when they feel something isn't right. This is why they are my best friends.

4. There are reasons why someone has been in A LOT of relationships and none of them have ended well.

5. I need to not be so passive in relationships. I need to GIVE but make sure I GET in return. It takes 2 to tango.

6. Don't place something that you think you have into the picture of the "Fairytale" you have in your mind. At least not until you are sure it is truly yours.

On a plus note... I get to play with Aubrey and Dee and their roommies while watching American Idol tonight! It's the Salt Lake auditions!

AND LOST STARTS TOMORROW NIGHT!!! I'm just a little excited for this!

These Days- 3 Doors Down

I think I was better off before this all began
So clearly I can see lately that you don't know who I am
Everybody tried to tell me something that I never could believe
Stand back it seems so much different than it did in front of me
But I know

There's no good in lookin' back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then
You think you can give me what I want
You say, you say
I think I'm better off alone
These days, these days

Why should I put my trust in something that I never could believe
So one day you can find somethin better just to pack your things and leave
Loneliness is a friend for the moment but you won't walk out on me
I know

There's no good in lookin' back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then
You think you can give me what I want
You say, you say
I think i'm better off alone
These days, these days

I'm tired and I'm sick of waiting
Maybe I'll die alone
'cause I can't take another damn day
Of waiting here for you to come home to me
Yeah, yeah, baby, baby please
Tell me why

You think you can give me what I want
You say, you say
I think I'm better off alone
These days, these days
You think you can give me what I want
You say, you say
I think I'm better off alone
These days, these days

Chicken Fried

This post is for all of you who say I'm "Thinking" too hard or that I'm "Worrying" too much about the simple things in life.... Or for any of you who just need a laugh.
Anyone heard of Deep thoughts by Jack Handy? Yeah he's pretty funny. Well these are some of my favorite quotes of his so enjoy!

“It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

"Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy. "


"I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks. "


"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.".

"I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. "

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."

Ok... so most of these are just dumb thoughts but still, they gave me a laugh after a long hard week and hopefully thats what they did for you too!

Chicken Fried- Zac Brown Band

You know I like my Chicken Fried
Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up
I like to see the sunrise
See the love in my womans eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mothers love

Well I was raised up beneath the shade of a Georgia Pine
And that's home you know
Sweet tea, pecan pie and homemade wine
Where the peaches grow
And my house it's not much to talk about
But it's filled wiht love thats grown in southern ground
And a little bit of Chicken Fried

Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up
Well I've seen the sunrise
See the love in my womans eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And a mothers love

And it's funny how it's the simple things in life, that mean the most
Not where you live, what you drive or the price tag on your clothes
There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know
So if you agree have a drink with me
Raise your glasses for a toast
To a little bit of Chicken Fried

Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up
Well I've seen the sunrise
See the love in my womans eyes
Fell the touch of a precious child
And a mothers love

I thank God for my life
And for the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly
Let it ring
Salute the ones who died
The ones that gave their lives
So we don't have to sacrifice
All the things we love
Like our Chicken Fried...

White Horse

First with an apology for what is to come... Blogging right now is probably not the smartest thing for me to be doing as I will probably spill some feelings that are of the moment and regret what I say when I read this post at a later time. 

Going through the holidays seems to be a lonely time for a lot of people. Ironic, the whole point of the holidays is to be with family. I try not to get caught in the loneliness of it all. Seeing the couples holding hands while ice skating, kissing under the mistletoe and exchanging gifts that consist of jewelry, clothes and other personal, intimate gifts. It seems like no matter the kind of person you are, you can't help but want that feeling, right?

So why is it that when you get that feeling... everything suddenly gets more complicated? It's not all Prince Charming and Fairytale endings. It's work. Getting to know someone is work. Feeling comfortable with someone is work. Trusting someone is work.

That is probably the area where I am the most challenged. Before I go on, let me explain a little about my history with trust. As a young girl, I learned to wear my heart on my sleeve. I learned at an early age that talking about your problems is better than dealing with them in another form. While this is probably one of the best methods, it is also dangerous. Dangerous meaning when no one is there to listen, then what happens? I thought I had 1 of 2 choices. 

1. Talk to the wall, your stuffed animals or some other inanimate object. Officially realize you are crazy and the only thing left to do is to be thrown into an institution.

Or...

2. Keep everything bottled up inside.

So that was who I was. Either I poured my soul out or bottled everything up and with a smile on my face, no matter how much pain I was in. Now, pouring your heart out to someone, takes trust. I felt as though I needed to trust everyone. In my naive little mind, everyone in the world was good and I was invincible. 

Trusting so easily led me to trust someone who never deserved it. Someone who used that trust to manipulate me. In the end that trust was thrown back in my face. Well... what now? My view on the world was crushed. I couldn't decipher between good and evil anymore. It's taken me a long time to begin to trust people in general, let alone someone who I begin to date. It hurts. It hurts that I can't trust certain people. Or, not necessarily that I "Can't" trust them, but that I wont let my heart trust them. People who have never done me wrong. It breaks my heart that in the back of my mind, there is this distorted thought that no one tells the truth. I mean, is that any way to live life?

Ok, so where was I in the first place? Oh yes, relationships = retarded. Another thing almost as hard as trusting? Trying to stop your heart from falling too fast. It's hard once you find someone who has a lot of the qualities you've been looking for. I think all of us have had that rush, like an avalanche... we're not in control of how fast those emotions  take over our body. 

I am probably not making any sense what so ever. These are all just random thoughts that came to me as I was driving down the dark, lonely highway from Orem to Fairview. Some good things have been happening to me lately... but it all seems so rushed. Is it because I never expected these things to happen to me? I guess this story begins with a boy... Well, now a man I guess. We met... well I guess it had to be like day 1 of my life. He was... 8? Maybe? Anyway, I don't remember that. What I do remember is our families being like... best friends. 

When I was in Elementary and middle school I was infatuated with him. Mind you, he was graduating from high school, going on a mission, getting back and going through all these grown up life changes during this time. I guess I can kind of relate this to the song "Oh my my my" by Taylor Swift. "I was 7 and you were 9 (ok a little different), I looked at you like the stars would shine, in the sky, pretty lights..." 

Then there was the later part of high school and the tables turned. Or so I'm hearing now. I was the one going through the grown up life changes this time. "Well I was 16 when suddenly, I wasn't that little girl you use to see but your eyes till shined, like pretty lights."  Now after some real grown up experiences, we MIGHT be meeting in the middle. 

At first, the thought scared me. Well not just the thought... all of it scared me really. Who he was, where he is at in life, where I'm at in life, what my family would think, etc... 

It's been a short amount of time but one by one these fears are slowly disappearing. At the same time, more are coming to my attention but they seem to be evening out somehow. I'm not saying anything serious is becoming of this right now. Hopefully learning how to trust again is what's going to come of this... If it doesn't... I'll probably be posting about a different boy in like a month! 

White Horse- Taylor Swift

Say you're sorry 

That face of an angel comes out

Just when you need it to

As I pace back and forth all this time

Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on, 

The days drag on

Stupid girl

I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess

This ain't a fairytale

I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This aint Hollywood,

This is a small town

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.

Now it's too late for you and your White Horse, 

To come around

Baby I was naive, 

Got lost in your eyes

And never really had a chance

My mistake, I didn't know to be in love

You had to fight to have the upper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me...

Happy Endings,

Now I know...

That I'm not a princess,

This ain't a Fairy Tale

I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This aint Hollywood,

This is a small town

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Now it's too late 

For you and your White Horse

To come around

And there you are on your knees

Begging for forgiveness

Begging for me

Just like I always wanted

But I'm so sorry...

Cause I'm not your princess

This aint a fairy tale

I'm gonna find someone, someday

Who might actually treat me well

This is a big world,

That was a small town

There in the rear view mirror

Disappearing now

And it's too late for you and your White Horse,

Yeah it's too late for you and your White Horse

To catch me now....