You gotta go there to come back....

Hmm... writing in black. Must mean it's not a great day.

I didn't sleep a whole lot last night. I've had a lot on my mind lately.

(You're all going to think all I do is think deep, depressing thoughts!) I promise I'm a happy girl.

Anyway, I've made some bad decisions in my life. Some of the most recent ones

have really been eating at me. I guess thats the guilt part. And I know that you have

to go down the road of guilt to come back and realize how you need to become a better person. I get that.

I guess it's just the "Patience" part of the process that I'm struggling with. When will I feel

free of this guilt. What can I do to quicken the process? How can I change?

There is lyric from this oldschool band that says "Do you know what it's like to not know a single thing about yourself and it's all your fault?"... I can see myself in that lyric today. I spend all my time trying to be like everyone else... I don't know who I really am. For the last year I've been trying to find who I really am and I have a little bit but for the most part I've failed. I'm going to do better. I'm going to change everything starting right now.

So now about my Easter weekend! Well Saturday my roommate Cassie and I went down home! First we went to dinner at my G-ma's and Cassie got to meet the whole fam! Our family is interesting to say the least! We had the traditional egg hunt where my G-ma and my Aunt Connie hide plastic eggs with quarters in them all around outside. Usually we find 6 or 7 of those each and then another egg with our names on it and a two dollar bill inside. Of course this is just for the ones who aren't married (*sigh*, I'm the last grandchild!). Then we had dinner. It was an amazing meal of BBQ turkey (a sanpete orginal), baked beans, jello salad, rolls and funeral potatoes! Yummy! Followed by a great dessert of my G-ma's home made scootcaroo's! (I don't think I spelled that quite right!)

Afterwards, Cassie and I drove down to Manti so she could see the Temple. I had forgotten how

beautiful it truly is! When I lived in Ephriam, I use to go there at night and sit on the steps for hours! It is just the most peaceful place in the world to me and I can't wait to get married there one day!

Then, we continued our journey and went to my sisters house! Everyone who had been at my G-ma's came, except for her, my aunt and my cousin. So it was just my immediate fam and Cassie. It was a blast! We played singstar... I rocked! Thats all I have to say! Ok ok, so the boys beat the girls in both games. But it was still a pretty tight competition! We ordered pizza and finished the night by watching "Enchanted"! I love that movie! It is so cheesy but so funny!

On sunday, Cassie and I left early so we could get back to our ward for church at 1. I woke up with a migraine and that was not fun at all. Our Sacrament program was full of music and it was so spiritual! I loved it!

Later that day, all my roommates were gone. Cassie visiting her bf at work and the rest of them with their families. I was lonely. (oh well, Easter isn't as fun when you grow up anyway!) Then Cassie came home and we made tacos, painted our toenails while watching Sleeping Beauty and tried to cheer our roommate Michelle up (She just broke up with her bf) by watching "Enchanted" again and eating candy! It was a great weekend!

Then monday came. Gosh I hate mondays. The day I started no sugar, basically slim fast only and tons of working out until family pictures come! It sucked! Plus my vampire roommate came home. Yes.. vampire because she sleeps like 18 hours a day, never goes to work. Gross. How can you even do that? And I have to use lysol all the time now because she shares a bathroom with us and one of my roommates pointed out that she has never seen her wash her hands. It makes me wanna throw up. I can't wait to move in a couple weeks! Hopefully it's a new start! (Not that I haven't had enough of them!) Well ok... Enough of me blubbering! Later

I've got dreams to remember....

So... it's been a pretty interesting week! I've been in this "funk" that I just haven't been able to get out of! Some of you may not know that I like to write. Just write anything really. This week though, I've had a "writers block" bigtime! It's like those times when you have all different emotions and you can't sort them out. What's causing them? What exactly are the emotions? Is there anyway to get rid of them?
Well I think I found part of my answer on Sunday. I did a lot of searching and praying that day. I also met with my Bishop and I discovered that I'm not dreaming anymore! I'm just going through life! I haven't felt deserving of my dreams and so I have just put them away in a little notebook and completely forgotten about them! How sad is that?
After highschool, I had a completely different pattern for the way my life would go. I would finish two years at Snow College, figure out what I want to do with my life and moved on, hopefully met the man of my dreams, married and be really successful. Instead, because of a really idiotic person and some stupid decisions, I forgot my dreams. Now, as I am remembering those dreams, I'm finding hope! In figuring out what I have to do to reach my dreams, I'm learning patience and responsibility. And last but not least, in remembering who I can rely on to help me through to the end, I'm finding faith again! It's a wonderful feeling!
Now on to One Tree Hill (becuase you all saw it coming!) WOW! Last nights episode was good! I love that Haley finally got on Lucas and Peyton's side! I respect Lindsay for realizing that Lucas isn't going to give all of himself to her and knowing she deserves more than that. But as for Lucas... he is so STUPID! How can you write another novel about someone and not realized that it is about that person? Duh!
I thought the Jamie thing was a little drawn out. I mean... Carrie is so ugly and trashy now it makes me sick. And Jamie looked so scared... he made me scared for him. But I thought that Nathan and Haley should've had more scenes where they became closer because of what was happening with Jamie.
Dan is just ugly and freaky but it's cool that he saved Jamie. Karen looks so pretty with her longer hair... Lilly could've been cuter! (She is still pretty cute though!) And of course.. Andy has always looked good to me and always will! (He kind of reminds me of Jason Castro on American Idol!)
Over all, I thought with it being the 100th episode and such a big deal, it could've been better. It was good, I loved the music in this episode but it could've been more dramatic or better. Like... Lucas could've pictured Peyton while Lindsay was walking down the isle or Karen could've convinced Peyton not to give up... (which I guess she did in a way!) Anyway, enough about that! We'll wait four weeks to see what happens! (Yes you don't have to hear about it for four weeks!)
American Idol... I love the David's! Both of them are great and I like Carly. Of course Jason Castro is a major hottie... that's all I have to say!
Well I hope all is well with everyone and until next time... don't forget to remember your dreams! Later

Tag- You're it!

What was I doing 10 years ago? Ten Years ago I was 10! Wow! I was probably putting on a fake talk show for Em and Ben, pretending I was "Vanillia Spice"... The next Spice Girl! Duh!
5 things on my to do list!
1- Clean my side of the room!
2- Go tanning
3- Buy milk and cereal
4-Get resume re-vamped
5- Remember not to get upset with stupid people who come through the drive-up at my bank!
What snacks do I enjoy?
I love Cheese-it's, M&M's, Pickle sandwhiches made out of ritz crackers, cheese and pickles, cereal (That's basically all I eat!) and popcorn!
What would I do if I was suddenly a Billionaire?
I'm actually really into childrencharities these days! I would absolutely go to hospitals and visit children with cancer... take them stuff or donate stuff for better entertainment things at the hospitals. (I've been watching a lot of Extreme Home Makeover!) Also, I would probably fly to Wilmington, North Carolina to meet the cast of One Tree Hill AND of course I would spoil My nieces and nephews!!
Five Places I have lived
1- Fairview
2-Ephriam
3-Fairview AGAIN
4- Provo
5-.... Just 4!
Five Jobs I've had
1- Mowing Lawns
2- Roy's Pizza waitress (formally known forever as Fat Jacks!)
3- Candy girl (all sorts of work included!) At Candies On Main
4- Sales Associte at Morgan Jewlers (blah!)
5- Tellar at Capital Community Bank!
Five Things that people didn't know about me
1- My favorite color really isn't Pink...
2- I find learning about sereal killers (Ted Bundy, Charlie Manson, etc) to be interesting. (Don't worry I wont kill anyone! I just like to see inside their minds!
3- Halloween is my favorite holiday! Surprising after that last one?!
4- I don't like steak!
5- I'm very attracted to Luke Perry... even if he is like close to my moms age!
3 bad habits
1- I go through cell phones... A LOT! (I always like newer and better!)
2- The things I usually eat in a day include cereal, slimfast, toast... thats pretty much it on a normal day. So no meat, fruits or veggies :(
3- I get into tv shows really easily... ONE TREE HILL (of course!) American Idol, 90210, The Hills, Gilmore Girls, The daily 10 spot, Extreme Home Makeover Edition, Heroes, Greys Anatomy, The Office, Private Practice... The list could go on and on! Of course unless I'm totally bored and have nothing to do the only ones I'm a regular at are One Tree Hill and American Idol!

I tag... Aubrey, Amy and Karole!

The Search For Something More...

Well today is wednesday and "Dark" is the only word I can think of to sum this day up! I'm wearing black today at work, which I found out as soon as I walked out the door that my outfit matched the weather perfectly. The sky is dark, the wind is blowing a breeze that makes the 44 degree weather up here in Provo seem like it's really 30 and looking at the remaining snow on the mountain makes the chilly air go straight to my bones.

On a brighter note, American Idol last night was pretty good. I loved the Beatles songs! I have to say I was really sad about David Archuleta. Poor kid... this is the first time that his reviews have been bad and it was the first time on the big stage. Sad day. But my man Jason Castro looked pretty good and sounded pretty good! Did you not think Brooke was so cute? I mean this little LDS girl making her dreams come true without losing her values and she is just crying when she realizes it! I think my favorite performance of the night was Carly. She was really good! (She just needs to get rid of the Tattoos:(

Now for One Tree Hill... cuz you all know I have to include some sort of One Tree Hill in every post! I had mixed emotions about last nights episode. First I have to say that my roommate was laughing at me because every time Lucas and Lindsay had a scene together I would throw something at the t.v and call her names:) ha ha I just can't seem to like her. I don't know if I've said this before but I think it's because we haven't had time to grow with them as a couple and so I just can't see their love. Plus they do not make a physically pretty couple.

As for the Naley stuff... how cute was Jamie last night? Trying to get his parents together and everything. I just felt Haley was being so stubborn. Get over it already. I've been having a hard time with her these last couple episodes but I started to like her again when she called Lucas, after having read his book and told him he couldn't marry Lindsay. I mean come on. The book has to be about Peyton. She is like his muse!

I felt bad for Rachel. I like her and I really think she could've changed too. And I'm glad Brooke finally decided to fire "Bitchtoria" Sorry for the language but it's true! And Chase is cute and all but she and Owen are the cutest couple I've seen since she and Lucas!

Anyway... so I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I don't really feel like I'm doing anything with my life. I mean, I'm not going to school... works good but I don't feel like I'm doing anything for anyone and I don't have a Bf which my best friend roommate does now so I kinda feel like a loser. But she works at a dental office in Lehi called "Stonehaven Dental" and it pays really good money and stuff and they're looking for a receptionist. I love my job right now. And I love the people I work with! And I would feel bad leaving my job so soon after I just started. But I would be making probably 3-4 more dollars an hour which would be amazing and then after three months they put you on this bonus system where depending on how much the office makes the previous month, you could be getting up to like 13 dollars extra an hour! That's a lot right? Apparently the company is getting really big. If I want to go into dental hygiene, I feel like this would be a great way to get my foot in the door! But I don't know what to do. I just have to pray about it. I know I have to do whats best for me but I have never been good with doing that. Especially if I am hurting people in the process. So I guess we'll just see.

Well before I sign off, here is another pic for you all to enjoy!

Later;)

What could have been....

Hey Guys! I just wanted to do a quick post with the pics you have been wanting. Now to remind you again, it didn't quite turn out the way I wanted it! But I still like it! First I'll post a picture of how I wanted it and and then a pic of how it is! (and yes this is a girl from One Tree Hill!) ;)

It might not be a great picture of me but I'll keep posting different pics as I try different hairstyles! But let me know what ya think so far! And don't worry, I can take criticism! Ha Ha Later!

Every Night is Another Story.....

So... just a quick thought for all of you out there who watch One Tree Hill... What the heck, Right? Haley is being way too unrational about this whole "evil nanny Carrie" thing. I mean, you would think that after being married at 16, her leaving him and then him taking her back when she comes back, and then 5 years of marriage after that, that she would trust him. Well guess again. I mean I know he was a little crazy with the whole turning into Dan thing in the first couple episodes of this season but he is doing so much better. And he never gave her up for anything. AHHHHH. Do you realize that most of the times that couples on One Tree Hill don't work out is because the girls screw things up? hmmm... yeah... it's their faults!
Anyway, now for American Idol.... Holy Crap! I have to say I was never a fan of the gay Danny kid... but I for sure didn't expect him to go out of the two that was up there. I mean I'm fine with it and all but still... shocker. Oh and Asia'h going home... I'm so disappointed about that one! I really liked her! And I thought she did really good on the Whitney Houston song. Oh well... thats life right? And thats what we get for not calling in and voting. Comeon now people!
So my roommate and I are sitting there, watching as Danny gets kicked off and his final performance, when our Bishop comes over! So he sat and watched the end with us and we watched as Paula stood up with her wannabe Britney Spears hat... waving her arms around like a monkey and from no where, our Bishop shouts at the t.v... "Oh Paula sit down... If you need to go to the bathroom just wait a minute. The show is almost over!" My roommates and I bust out laughing as he turns to us and says "Is she on drugs or drunk or something?" It was hilarious! I guess it's one of those "you had to be there" moments, but our Bishop is a pretty funny guy!
After American Idol I got on my computer and started researching because my roommate was finally ready to cut my hair! So I looked and I looked and I looked and I finally found the one I had decided on. I've taken a few of those "Face Celeb look alike" tests and all of my results have seriously included Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill. Which is number one: Awesome because she is my favorite character and number two: I love her bangs from the third season! So I found a picture of them, showed them to my roommate and she began cutting! She kept asking me how I felt about them during the process and I liked them. Well I wasn't the happiest with the final project. I mean I like them, they're great but not what I wanted! Thankfully they are long enough I can find someone else to cut them but I wish it would've worked. The rest of my hair is great! Hopefully my good friend Aubrey at work can find some time to cut them!
so today is just another boring Friday. Seriously, I have nothing to do tonight! How sad is that? my roommate Cassie is going out with a waiter who hit on us at Applebee's (he's not really my type... kinda short) and I would go home but she is coming home with me to watch the prom tomorrow. So maybe I'll just relax. I don't do that very often. I'm always running around with Cassie or at work. Yeah.. I could watch some old episodes of One Tree Hill or watch a movie I haven't seen in a really long time. Well I hope all of you have a much better and much more fun friday than I am having! You'll probably hear from me again soon because "Every night is another story"... Later

So... Today is Tuesday *sigh* and I'm not as excited for it as I usually am. Thanks to a migraine yesterday and a slight anxiety attack last night, I pretty much didn't get any sleep so I'm sitting here trying not to fall asleep!
On a better note, tonight is American Idol night. Finally it's getting down to the top 12! I had the weirdest dream about it the other night. Before I get into that, I'll explain I don't remember them giving the contestants "themes" while they are narrowing it down to the top 12. I always thought they just let them sing what they wanted and then when they were in the top 12 they started giving them "themes". Well in my dream, once they narrowed it down to the top 12, they didn't give them "themes" anymore and the whole show was just chaotic and falling apart! It was weird!
The second good note, IT'S ONE TREE HILL NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! That's all that is keeping me going today. Except I think they are taking a break from the whole "Lucas, Peyton, Lindsay love triangle" and I'm not sure how excited I am about that because I just want it to play out but I did find out that the show officially got picked up for a sixth season!!! Yay! So much more One Tree Hill to come! (I'm lame I know!)
And the third good note, I think my roommate is cutting my hair tonight! I'm really excited about that! I don't know what I'll do but I just need a change. Don't worry, I'm not going to cut the length because I love how long it is getting and I will continue to grow it but there will totally be a change.
So this weekend I saw the movie "P.S I love You." and I have to say, it was amazing! It truly was! I encourage all of you to see it! It really makes you think about what is important in life. You know in the movies, they always say "Follow your dreams". That is something I think everyone in the world wants so much to do, but how do you do it? I mean it's not always easy and a lot of us don't have the access to our dreams. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.
I've also been thinking about this amazing song I heard called "It's only life" by Kate Voegele. (Who is awesome by the way and everyone should check out her album!) Anyway, these are the lyrics....
"Tears are forming in your eyes, a storm is warning in the skies.
The end of the world it seems, you bend down and you fall on your knees.
Well get back on your feet, yeah,
Don't look away, don't run away, baby it's only life.
Don't lose your faith, don't run away, baby it's only life.
You were always playin hard, never could let down your guard, no
You can't win, if you never give in to that voice saying pick up your chin.
Baby let go of it, Yeah,
Don't look away, don't run away, baby it's only life.
Don't lose your faith, don't run away, baby it's only life.
Take your hesitance, and your self defense
Leave them behind, it's only life
Don't be afraid of facing everyday, just take your time, it's only life
I'll be your stepping stone, don't be so alone,
Just hold on tight, It's only life"

Ok... so great, right? I thought so. I mean we all have those days where we lay in bed and don't want to go into the world but I once was told... "There is nothing to be afraid of... it's just life." of course I've also been told "I see Dr. Phill books in your future..." But the first one is true! I mean, it's only life. Instead of taking it for granted, being scared and alone and pushing people away, we should live it! Experience it! Love it!
So... I dont' know... Do things out of the ordinary and unexpected. Take risks... if you think about it, risks are the only way you get anywhere in life! Ok, so now I'm done sounding like an add for an anti-depressent, I will sign off! Just remember... Life is Beautiful!
-Whitter