These Days....

Some of you may have realized that I HAD a post on here that was posted Saturday but within less than a 24 hour period, the feelings that I had while writing that post COMPLETELY changed. It's weird how that can happen, isn't it? You could feel totally different about something at this moment than you did last week, last month or even just yesterday.

It's ironic really. After my post titled "White Horse" that this would happen. That I would once again put a little bit of trust in someone and I was proved wrong. Maybe not PROVED wrong... wait, no I WAS proved wrong. It seriously baffles me that people think they can treat other people that way. Playing with people's emotions is like playing with fire. In the end, you are always going to get burned... but not before hurting a lot of other people and burning a lot of bridges in the process.

Yeah, this bridge that I had is officially burned. This person CANNOT do what they did and expect me to even want to stay friends with them. I don't let people like that into my life anymore and don't think I'm going to start just because they're going to call a bluff. I can guarantee that if you ask this person about this it will come in the following steps:

1. Defensiveness

2. Denial

3. Excuses

That's how it goes. Trust me, I've been through this enough times to know the process. Well, not this situation in particular but situations similar.

This situation was created with:

-Lying (Nothing New)

-Sweet talking (Yep, heard that one before) 

*Yawn*

-Hitting on my best friend (Wait... that's NEW)

-Learning about a relationship this person is in that seems to be serious from a very RELIABLE source (Yeah, that's NEW too)

Hmmm... here lies a few broken pieces of my already broken heart, bleeding and naked for the whole wide world to see.

I guess this is the first test of one of my New Year's Resolutions: To finally let go and not fear trusting people or giving my heart away.

So lets talk about Fear. What is fear? Wikipedia defines Fear as an emotional response to tangible and realistic dangers. Well taking that into consideration, does that mean that putting my heart out there is a "danger"? Because if it is, that's what I'm afraid of.

You see, I put my heart out there once. It was wonderful, new, thrilling and enticing. For 9 long months it seemed like I was on this ride that was going faster than I would've liked it to. Towards the end it became this roller coaster. Now I LOVE roller coasters, but the highs were way too high and the lows seemed to dip below the surface of the earth. Not my kind of roller coaster.

This was the first time I had truly let my heart go. I had given EVERYTHING I had to someone and trusted them with everything in me, only to have it thrown back in my face. Now, after all is said and done, and I've finally realized that I can laugh about this experience in my life, I'm still scared. I'm not sure I can trust someone with my heart.

Albert Camus once wrote "Blessed are the hearts that can bend; They shall never be broken."

But I wonder, if there's no breaking, then there's no healing. And if there's no healing, there's no learning. Then there's no struggle. But struggle and breaking, healing and learning.. they're all a part of life so must all hearts be broken?

I guess in all of this sounding like a broken record... I will list the positive things I can take from this:

1. Trust not only others and your gut feeling, but trust that the Lord will provide a way for you to know which path you must take.

2. Be cautious in your trusting

3. Listen to your family... My family members opinions about this situation were right all along. And they CARE enough to let me know when they feel something isn't right. This is why they are my best friends.

4. There are reasons why someone has been in A LOT of relationships and none of them have ended well.

5. I need to not be so passive in relationships. I need to GIVE but make sure I GET in return. It takes 2 to tango.

6. Don't place something that you think you have into the picture of the "Fairytale" you have in your mind. At least not until you are sure it is truly yours.

On a plus note... I get to play with Aubrey and Dee and their roommies while watching American Idol tonight! It's the Salt Lake auditions!

AND LOST STARTS TOMORROW NIGHT!!! I'm just a little excited for this!

These Days- 3 Doors Down

I think I was better off before this all began
So clearly I can see lately that you don't know who I am
Everybody tried to tell me something that I never could believe
Stand back it seems so much different than it did in front of me
But I know

There's no good in lookin' back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then
You think you can give me what I want
You say, you say
I think I'm better off alone
These days, these days

Why should I put my trust in something that I never could believe
So one day you can find somethin better just to pack your things and leave
Loneliness is a friend for the moment but you won't walk out on me
I know

There's no good in lookin' back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then
You think you can give me what I want
You say, you say
I think i'm better off alone
These days, these days

I'm tired and I'm sick of waiting
Maybe I'll die alone
'cause I can't take another damn day
Of waiting here for you to come home to me
Yeah, yeah, baby, baby please
Tell me why

You think you can give me what I want
You say, you say
I think I'm better off alone
These days, these days
You think you can give me what I want
You say, you say
I think I'm better off alone
These days, these days